Holy God

I often wonder about worshipping God, and I realize that I do not do it nearly enough. I know I pray and I know when I pray I feel a certain connection with God, I believe he hears me but then, I realize that with worship, I don't do it nearly enough. I mean for a God who is awesome in all His awesomeness I don't worship enough. When I'm in church yes, I believe that the songs and the ambiance and the dimming of lights and the fellowship of brethren does take me to another realm and I able to completely fall, let go of my person, myself and let go to the Deity who gives me life. I realize that I seem to only get to that place, that peak of worship when I'm in church, when I'm being led to worship. However, I have not been to church this year.. I mean, its 2 months into the new year and I have not been able to connect on the level I desire. I was once in church and the pastor said, it's not the songs that should lead you to worship, it's you, it's the spirit. I have been able to pray, I have been able to praise, I have been able to give thanks, but I have not been able to worship.

What is a life without worship? It's empty. An empty life is what it is... nothing.

I do not want to live an empty life, I want to be able to worship the God who made me, who called me to being, because the truth is, without HIM, I'm but a speck of dust.

Today as I type, I am listening to a song by Donnie Mclurkin, and I think I have unlocked the key to my private worship of God.
The song goes;

Only you are holy
Only you are worthy
Only you are wonderful
For there’s no one else like you
Who is faithful, ever true
All my love, my heart, my life
Is a testimony
Only you are holy

And there, it came to me... I need to focus on the holiness of God and the fact that there is absolutely none like Him. God has proven Himself to me time and time and time and time again.. indeed all my life is a testimony to him. Who am I not to fall before the awesome, holy presence of such a being... Holy, in whom there is no imperfection. A God so awesome, so great that none can compare. I need to just remember that He is HOLY, free of blemish, before whom I can not stand, before whom I am nothing, without whom I do not exist.

He is Holy, God is holy, faithful and true. I will worship HIM at all times. I need to remain focused, remember that ONLY HE IS HOLY, FAITHFUL, EVER TRUE, THE ONLY WISE GOD, THE OMNIPOTENT, THE ONE WHO CALLS THAT WHICH IS NOT AS THOUGH THEY WERE. HOLY, HOLY HOLY.

Role reversal and this generation

I have been trying to update my blog in over a month. There is no excuse, I have simply been lazy. Pure and simple, no two words... mere laziness! Today I read 234next.com and Tolu Ogunlesi had posted an article, I read one yesterday and when I saw another one at dawn this morning I knew.. I'd been slacking with my blogging.

So here I am.. blogging again. I've had a lot of things whirling around in my head, a lot of things have confused me and made me wonder. One of such mind boggling things is the role reversal between the husband and the wife in this generation.

In the day and age of my mummy and daddy ( hehehe.. thats sounds soo five-year old)the daddy provided for the household and the mummy took care of the children.Sometimes the mummy did both... worked and still found the time to slap us aroud for breaking her pyrex.. but still there was the primary daddy provided and mummy spent arrangement...
Fastforward to 2010... mummy and daddy work.. daddy asks mummy for her contribution to house rent... (excuse me to let out an expletive here) WTF?????????????? So not only does mummy work, and contribute to providing for the family or even in some cases.. mummy is the Sole Provider...Daddy wants to still exercise his rights as daddy...

Me thinks once I start bringing half of the rent and I start paying for petrol in the generator ( and no not one a one-off situation.. when it becomes regular) .. me thinks then you lose the locus standi to expect that dinner be served at 7pm, or even expect that I come and rub your toes and tummy at my inconvenience. I am sorry, I am old school. I see no reason why if our roles are now reversed you should not take the role of cooking, or going shopping for household things... yes... after all I'm busting my caps all week long to have enough money that you will spend... and then i should come and do you a pedicure? no way jose!!!
And what is this busines of what's your money is mine and my money is yours? Please NO! that was in the day of our parents.. now let everybody hold their money!!!

So I know there is a place for being a supportive wife and all that, that's understandable, but please men should stop taking these things for granted.

I think, this generation is just warped and they have it all twisted.
I want a loving and supportive man, a man who would be considerate and not collect my money ( seeing as I've been driving to and from lekki in traffic all week), a man who would appreciate my efforts, who would provide for me( yes, thats the role of a man.. if u dont like it ..sue God...!!!!)and basically a man who would make me bless God for him and bless him all the days of our lives.

All this nonsense of role reversal is just wrong. Men, step up to the plate and bear that name "Man" with dignity!

I believe

I believe in love
Even though I do not feel it
I believe in the air,
'cos I breathe it
I believe the sun is shining
Even though I do not feel it
I believe in the silence
'cos it envelopes me
I believe in the dark,
even though it brings no joy
I believe in a smile,
'cos it brightens up my day
I believe in God
even when the pain wracks so deep
I believe in death
'cos one day, I'll be no more.

Elusive Purpose

How is it , that i feel so empty
Yet I'm bursting with so much
So much to think, to do to say
Yet i can not find the words
The world around me is expectant,
Having been blessed with such
I am found seriously wanting
I wonder if when death comes
Will I be ready
Because I feel I haven't acheived my purpose
Where does one seek purpose?
Where does one seek this so elusive thing?
In the smile on people's faces when I've done something nice
The joy which radiates just by my being there
A burden i have helped lift
A tear i have helped dry
Life,
purpose,
it seems one cannot have one without the other
But purpose cannot actually be measured
It is felt, and it is what keeps me going.
I have to bring joy and happiness to the next person.
I need help, I can not but seek
for purpose, so elusive, so free
can only be found
in this tangled web of life

Dear God

All day today, I have been moaning and whining and complaining, and it just occured to me that somewhere up in heaven, You must be tired of hearing from me today.
I am a truly blessed child and all I've done today is complaining about something I dont have or the other. I'm either complaining about Smoking Joe, or my hair, or money to make my hair, or something.
I had an epiphany while i was in the shower this night, 'God has been soooo good to me and all I have done to repay him has been to whine about what He has not yet finished doing'.
I am truly sorry.

So here goes, a list of things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful for the patience and the time taken to raise me up. My parents gave up a lot for me to have the best upbringing ever. My mum says all the time they would rather by books than buy clothes. I read all Ladybird series, Secret Seven, Famous Five before I was 10. I remember how my mother would nearly have a fit if you said "th" the wrong way, or pronounced a word like you were to lazy to make the effort. I am eternally grateful because today i can say "Woolwich" (Woolich) the way it was meant to be said.
2. I can not really say I have ever struggled to 'look' for a job in the real sense of it. I have been blessed, instead what do I do? I moan about having to drive all the way to Lekki. Some people just want to work.. they will sort logistics out, and here I am at a job that people are looking for and shallow me.. I complain.
3. I did my NYSC in Lagos. Trully, that may seem like small fry but I cant imagine having been in Yobe ooo seriously!
4. Never thought I'd say this but I'm grateful for Smoking Joe, warts and all that old dude gets me around this metropolis.
5. I'm grateful for the fact that I have never been deported, my name is not on the news for attempting to blow up any aircraft, I am just lil ol' unknown me.
   
6. I have just come back from holiday , a holiday I totally and thoroughly enjoyed every bit of (albeit one little annonnying someone who made me sad) and I was with my sister, and my friends and I life was just peachy. How did I manage to forget that just last week I was in bliss, and I'm already complaining that I have to service the car, I have to go to work....You are truly patient ooo...
   If i had a child who was always whiny and moany.. one day I'll just lock her up in the bathroom.
7. I'm grateful for my intelligent friends and my family... they are available as resource. They are always there, a well of knowledge and support! I'm not as poor as I always say I am. I'm blessed.
8. My computer, as old as it is.. no battery and all, serves me well. Me and this buddy have been together for a while and it's still going strong. I complain about it all the time, not having a battery, not having a camera, hard drive not being big enough... but I have a computer, cant I just shut up and leave it at that?
9. I have a 2 bed room flat.. ( gives me an illusion of independence) I come and go as I please. I complain that it needs to be fixed, i need money to paint, do plumbing, blah blah but still. A roof over my head, a place of my own ( almost lol) and a sense of belonging.
10. And last but not the least, I'm grateful to be alive and well. I don't know the last time I was in a hospital bed, ill or even down with something beyond the common cold and every day " oh I'm weak"

So dear God, I'm truly sorry I've been ungrateful and whiny, a high maintainance kid. I promise to have an attitude of gratitude ( sounds corny i know) from now on.
Love always, your baby...
E

To Port and back

Last week, I turned my nose up and told my sister i would never.. lai lai.. me ke.. never take the coach from London to NewCastle. I planned to scrape any extra I had to take the train oh, I did not mind, anything but having to endure that 6hour ride with those old people ( ever noticed the north east of England is predominantly occupied by old people?? my own statistics anyway!) I shuddered at the thought.
Lailai.. never me ke!

This same me.... I have just returned from a 12-hour trip from Port Harcourt oh!!!!!

The suffer of this weekend does not have part 2.

I did not quickly make up my mind to go for this wedding, by the time I decided to go the air fares had gone sky high and right now im thinking in the Sterling. So in my mind, the trip to PH by air would have cost me at least 250pounds.. taxi to and from the airport inclusive! So i decided.. very grudgingly.. to go by road. The worst of road travel in Nigeria is in those contraptions called 'Luxurious' buses, those things are by no means luxurious and I was not about to point it out to them oh!So here I was going to PH on friday evening, by road... night bus!!! So i figured, I'd get to the 'garden city' by 7 am, take a shower, tong my hair, get dressed, look pretty and go for the wedding. I had it all planned that by sunday morning, I'd be back in my house, in Lagos, right??? nope.. very wrong.
Everything that could go wrong went wrong. The bus company decided that they were going to leave at 4.30pm! I was surprised, i should have taken that as a cue that all was not going to be well oh, no.. (im dim like that sometimes) i proceeded to buy the 5k ticket to Port Harcourt via ABC transport 'your passport to service' ( whatever that means!!!!!!!!!). Anyway, I'd had a hectic morning and before we got to Shagamu I was in snooze land. This was just fine by me, I did not mind waking up and hearing that we were in PH. At about 10.30 pm, my aunty nudged me awake, we had arrived in Benin and the bus was stopping. We all got out for the routine stretching of legs and those who felt the need to eat at night did so. We got back into the bus and once again, I slept. I woke up 6 hours later and guess what????

We were still in that stop over place in Benin!!! I could have fainted right there and then.
The frigging bus company apparently have a policy that they dont travel at night!!! Can you imagine?? I was on a night bus that was not going to travel at night?? i mean ..wharraaaaheeeelllll????? Ok we don hear.. oya make una come make we begin the waka from Benin to PH na?? they had to go and wake the driver from wherever he was sleeping oh. So he sha finally came and we got to PH at 11.30 am!!!! I was tired, angry, cranky and definately not in the mood to celebrate with anyone oh!
Because of the way I'd scheduled my trip, everything I brought along for the trip was in my hand bag, not so for my aunty who decided to come with a .. what can i call it now.. a 'portmanteau'. She now decided that she was going to the church service from the ABC station oh, to cut the long story short she left me saddled with her 'portmanteau'. Let me quickly describe this box. You know those little boxes that chics who go on quick weekend trips pack their things in? those boxes have been personified to be "short time boxes" So there i was in PH... with that box. I just felt so wrong carrying that thing!
Next problem, where would I change out of my jeans? I went to the hotel where my brother and sister-in-law were and I showered there. Im sure I spent almost an hour under the shower.. I needed to wash Benin off my body na!
So I dressed up and had to go take a cab to the wedding reception venue, standing in front of the hotel, in my dress, all made up and with that annonying box in my hand .. i was the definition of all forms of cliches gone bad!!! I just felt wierd!!!!
It was a horrid feeling.
The wedding went well and I was just too tired to take the night bus. So this morning, I decided to come by another bus company.. Agofure Motors!
This was a smaller bus with airconditioning, i thought, this should not be bad.. I was soo wrong.
I sat on the back seat, and the shock absorbers of the bus were either non existent or were badly eroded, because.... i felt every single tremor, shake and quake of that bad nasty road. For 12 hours I was jiggled and juggled. I felt the rattling of my bones, sleep sef no fit come. This return journey was worse than the coming. At least I got to sleep in Benin for 6 hours of the 19hours on the road! The driver was unrepentant, he said there was no way he could avoid the monstrous pot holes on the road. With every pot hole or crater... my bones rattled. To make matters worse, my period came... I dont blame it. Im sure my uterus quaked with every movement of the bus. Poor matter....
My aunty, in attempting to be sympathetic said.. " You need to get used to these things".. If you see the venom with which I used to reply.. lai lai .. me i can not get used to suffer head o! if no be sey money yab man.. chei

lai lai me ke????

lol

So now really, who am I to say I cant take the coach from London to NewCastle??
National Express here I come!!! what is a few annonying stops at service stations and annonying old white women trying to show you the pictures of all of their 13 grandchildren when ive endured far worse? and i did not break??
Lai lai.. me ke!!!

Of Debuts and Self-Discovery

My friend and colleague recently got signed on to G-mail and was curious as to what to write in the little box that says 'Status Update', since I was very unhelpful with my suggestions she went on to write "Debut". I found this quite apt. It was her first time on the g-talk and gmail and there she was going all around looking for people who had G-mail so she could add them to her chat list. Debut can be quite exciting i thought.. but not all the time. Last week friday, there was a gospel concert show called The Experience which has been running annually for the past 4 years.So, I decided to go, my debut at the Experience I called it. I was indeed going to have an Experience. First I did not drive, no way was I going to subject myself to the maddening traffic of lagos Island on a day when a free show was being organized, with 'area boys' all over the place and then parking would be another issue.. hence... I decided to take the BRT bus. Another Debut, as I had never been on those things and they'd been around for more than 15 months now. My debut ride on the BRT was not fun o!!! I had heard tales of how the bus was airconditioned and was just like London buses.. I was in for a rude shock. I had to stand all the way to TBS( The venue of the show) and then, the bus was soo hot.... I felt like I was back in Bwari... it was hot, people just kept chatting and it just did my head in!!! I could notr scream, I was having a break down there and then. It was going to get worse. Getting down at TBS and having to mill through the crowds had me thinking " You know you are not cut out for all these freebie things oh" but i trudged on, people pressing at me at all sides, traders calling out to you "Experience Gala, Experience Don Moen... Buy your whistle, Jesus is lord poster".. Some people were even selling jollof rice.. I kept praying that I would just get inside and find a seat. I did get a seat alright.. on the bleachers ( for what else will I call it? bleachers is the tush name for that concrete stone we sat on oh!) Apparently, getting to the venue at 5.30pm for a 7pm show was not good enough. Some people apparently had been sitting there since 12 noon, thats why they got choice seats . I thought " To see CeCe Winans no do me reash like this ooo, make I con siddon for here since 12 noon? Tufiakwa!!!" Anyway, my debut at the Experience was not a nice one oh, the whistling, cat calls, beagle blowing and sing-along did not allow me have a nice debut, I left at 8.30pm. The lure of my bed and the comfort of home over took the desire to have an Experience.
I also had another debut last week.I got a query from my direct boss, asking why such a clerical task that had been assigned to me was so demanding. It was coming I knew but I guess it just didnt leave me feeling as 'i dont care really' as I thought it would. I actually felt really bad about it and I still do. I dont like getting into the bad books of anyone and it really was not nice. I apologized though and I really wish this feeling would go away. It makes me sad...

Anyway, so I'm blogging and it should make me happy right???

So on self discovery.
I went for a training last week and I made some interesting self discoveries.
I am mediocre. Nothing more than you regular Jane Average. Nothing exciting gets me excited, I am booring and dry and .... this is beggining to sound like a dirge.
Ok enough of the sad and dreary stuff for the morning. Let me get back to work or any pretence of it whatsoever!