Monday, September 21, 2009

I'm not marrying you because...

I'm not marrying you because
i'm 28 and I happen to be single.
not because fear makes me tingle
Not for the need to discuss

I'm not marrying you because
i want to have a larger family
not because it sucks to sleep alone
Definately not because, i need to share

I'm marrying you because
it just feels so right
You are such a delight
Not one to fuss
You love me as i love you
and that is why
I am marrying you
till i die

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mama Ogadi

I used to make one kick ass 'ghana weaving' braids with one girl called Ify. Ify's braids were soo good that you could tell if a person had just left Ify's place I mean she had a signature way she "carried her hand" and so the weave just looked marevelous! anyway so because Ify was soo good and she was the only one who made the hair, you had to get there really early as in like 6 am.. to 'book' a number.. she never did pre-booking. So I would always like to be "number 1" so I'd get the best of Ify's morning charm and I'd get to Ify's shop at 5.30 (yes.. i know too early abi.. ehn ... I like my hair being on point when I make it)

So ify's shop is infront of a house that has like 4 flats in it. One of the families that live in the house is Mama Ogadi's family!

When u arrive at 5.30 am to the house, Mama Ogadi ( hereinafter referred to as M'Ogadi as is pronounced) would be already up and about.. she would be pouring water into the gutter in front of the house... then she would go outside the gate and light a fire with which she would boil water for her family to wash up when they wake up! M'Ogadi had 5 girls... five girls with age difference of not more than a year between them. M'Ogadi's mother-in law lived in that house too. She sells fried fish in front of the house. P'Ogadi has 2 brothers and 1 sister living with him!
So i would sit there, waiting for my hair dresser to come I would see people oozing out of this really tiny flat. I wondered.."dear God.. Where did they all sleep"?
Out of that tiny flat came 6 adults and 5 children. P'Ogadi was a 'cabu cabu' driver ( not a taxi oo, and not a cab.. mba no.. a 'cabu cabu' is those really battered cars that park at the garage and wait for each of you to enter.. so 7 of you would pile into a Peugeot station wagon.. yes.. that is a '
'cabu cabu') So P'Ogadi is a 'cabu cabu ' driver.. I know Grandm'Ogadi sells fish.. M'Ogadi says good bye to us here makes around 8 am . I was not quite sure what she did but Ify told me many years later than M'Ogadi was a school teacher. P'Ogadi's sister didnt really do much, she would sit infront of the flat with a mirror , all day pinching the pimples(acne) on her face and brushing her hair.. in my mind I would think, these ones are on stand bye to kick M'Ogadi out of her house if this pregnancy she is carrying is another girl.. ( oh I forgot to mention M'Ogadi was pregnant!!!)
The brothers -in-law.. what do they do?? who knows.. but at least they go out and dont come back until late.. ( yes sometimes I dont get number 1 position and have to go and come back, my hair doesnt get finished till 8pm)

The other day I was thinking of M'Ogadi and I was sad.M'Ogadi had a permanent hard look on her face, her face was weary all the time.M'Ogadi is the Nigerian Woman personified.
There are so many women out there, suffering in this country. Women who have to work really hard, I mean extra hard, physical labour just to feed their family. The Nigerian system of having extended family does not help either. M'Ogadi has to feed her 5 daughters, she has to send them to school and then when she comes back, she has to make dinner for her kids and those agbayas that live in her house.. and her mother-in-law too. She has to endure the derision of being "unable to produce sons" hence the need to "try" again.

I plan to make my hair soon, and I really pray that M'Ogadi has been given a better lease on life. So at least i can see some cheerie faces around me as I await dawn and the beautiful hair Ify's craftmanship is going to weave on my head.

Monday, September 14, 2009

A slap or two?

About 2 weeks ago, a friend of a friend asked me what it would take me to leave my marriage, I promptly responded.. " If he beats me... i will pack my load kia kia!!" The guy asked me if that was the only thing... i thought deeply.. and sensing it was a trick question I said.. well I dont really know what may come in future.

I've never really thought too deeply about the matter of domestic violence but that question really made me reach into the deep recesses of my mind to think about it.

When I was younger, I lived in a home where the 'daddy' used to hit the 'mommy'. I always felt it was alcohol induced and I felt those quarels were caused by religious differences and I made a mental note.. even then.. in my early teenage years not to marry someone who was wither given to alcohol or was of a different religion from me. I thought...ah these are things that cause problems later on in life o.. I will not do it oo! Some years later, I went to my hometown for a cousin's wedding and my cousins and I went out for drinks, one of my cousins got soo messed up that when he got home he took an axe to his mother... ahh me that I already had fear of alcohol in excess and what it does to otherwise sensible men. So for me it was a double NO NO!

But then I grew up, and i realise that alcohol is not the only inducement for a man to raise his hand and slap me.. some people are just flipping damn crazy!!! I mean... C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!

So i think when he slaps me, I'm packing my load and leaving right???? well not so fast lady.. where are you packing to? "Erm.. back home off course" " Dont I have family?, ee see me see trouble oh? is it untill he kills me before I leave.. ahhh abegi oo" It seems very easily said right? But I dont think it is. I think the hardest part is the feeling of failure, knowing your marriage failed. You could not make it work.
The truth is there are two sides to this thing. Maybe because of our culture and the irritating mix of religiousity therein! There is the school of thought that you have to stay there and make it work , you give it your whole.. after all your mother stayed with your father.. abi do you think this 40years of marriage have not been fraught with their own brand of mishaps.. no my child you will stay with your husband.. you will endure.. u hear? endure my child.. some will even go as far as to say.. ahh where do u want to go with this your little baby? dont u know how the world perceives single girls with babies?( ah please ooo let world come and be receiving head butt for me naa** eye roll***) i digress... so they tell you to suck it in and endure..
There is the school of thought that says.. divorce is a sin and as such.. ermm madam.. if u leave him you are sinning.. oh yess even if he is breaking ur head with a base ball bat and you wear sunglasses to cover your bruises at all hours of the day.. my dear you are still a sinner oh! Ehn because ermmm "divorce is a sin"

Then there is the school of thought that says.. girl.. up and leave the S.O.B oh! do u want him to kill you ( god bless that your friend that is giving you that advice.. if she is single... they will say.. ah see life.. because she no get man she wan make u carry ya load commot from ya husband house) Dont let him kill you before you leave oh.. if he kills you.. your body will not be cold before another woman will move and and please dont gimme that crap about you wanting to stay because of your child or children.. TAKE THEM WITH YOU!!!!
NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED. You deserve better than a man who will slap you around oo!

So this brings me back to the main issue... how do you tell that the man will not one day come and slap you? how do u know that this sweet loving boyfriend of yours, who is the perfect boo, whom you cant wait to spend your life with will not one day in a fit of anger throw a hot pressing iron smack in your face?
It scares me you know? 'Cos sometimes its easy to say " you would have been seeing the signs" yes i agree there are some guys that they start their own crase from when you are dating and if u see those signs and you still say ( and please dont give me that BS about you loving him) then maybe.. just maybe you deserve to be beaten but even then gaaaan!! I'm talking about those sweet men that take you on trips, talk you through issues you have at work.. rub your feet when you are tired, stand up to their mom's for you.. yes.. im talking about those men.. those ones that crase just worries them! how will you know and what do u do when he comes with sappy puppy eyes and says... "baby, I'm truly sorry. I love you my heart breaks at the thought that I.. I oladimeji.. could ever put a scar on this porcelain perfect face of yours"

What does one say to that??

Sunday, September 6, 2009

If I could

If i could keep you here
I would
If my tears could drown you
it would

I am just so tired
Tired of holding on to you
I try to will you back to me
But it all seems futile

So I'm letting you go
because you are not mine
maybe you were never mine
but my tears still flow

If my will could break you
i'd try
if my love could tame you
it would