Thursday, April 28, 2011

Here and now

This is something i wrote as an entry for a writing workshop advert i saw in the papers last week. I changed my mind about sending it in. A friend of mine called it raunchy. Another friend said it had her juices stirred. :D. I totally enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it too.
Have a good day :)


I could hear the rustling sounds of the fallen leaves outside my window, the whirling of the wind and the slamming of windows. The sun had set and the evening breeze was there, sweeping away everything in it's path. One part of me wanted to go and close the window and pull the blinds, but I was being held back, by a force, so primal, so intense, so real. My eyes were closed, but for the clashing winds and the sound of threatning rain, I would have been completely oblivous to the world around me. I hung on to him for fear that if I let go I'd fall down, such was the intensity of the wave that was going through me. I felt his hands run down my back and then up my side, all the while his tongue plunged deep inside my mouth. It was like a dance, a primal quest for survival, what his tongue and mine were engaged in. I gave as much as I got. I gasped, knowing he had his palm on the cusp of one of the nubian twins. He rubbed my nipples and I felt his mouth pull away, I gasped again, as one who was being deprived of oxygen at the same time knowing that I would feel the tide beneath break loose once he kissed my now erect buds. I could only hope as I held him. I touched him, the hard length of him, all mine. I couldn't get a thought through my head, it felt like the whirling winds were only in my head and not outside my window, I could not think straight, because this was Seun. It has always been Seun for me. With him, I couldn't go through the motions, it was like my body recognized his and like a flute at the hands of a seasoned concert player, my body hummed. It wasn't Tumi, head of procurement at Cristol Oil and Gas, this was not Tumi, Chief Usher at Upper Room Fellowship Centre, this was just Tumi, primal female, nubile Tumi, at the hands of the only man who ever made her purr. And like a cat long deprived of milk, I purred as his fingers caressed my now damp panties! "Let's go upstairs", I head his voice ringing far away. How he managed to string together those words will forever elude me for I was ready to be ravished here and now on this wet wet wet June evening..
Sated is really putting it mildly, how I felt hours later. I got up to go to the bathroom and my limbs reminded me of how I felt. I stared at the mirror, I looked disheveled and yes, sated. With a wry smile on my face I traced my lips and thought, it would always be good between us. I thought about the times we spent deluding ourselves that we were just friends, all the years of suppressing what we both felt. Till that new year's day in 2003 when Alex called to tell me our Mom had died! I was confused, and numb. It was like I was on auto pilot. My Malaysian flatmate, bless her heart Christie called Seun. My friend, my gossip partner, my study mate, my confidante, the closest thing I had to family in that cold cold country, he came as soon as he could. He met me sitting on the floor, staring into the closet like a child! He held me for the longest time, and then he kissed me. I remember leaning into that kiss with the force of a thousand tsunamis. I guess I thought somehow, I could ease out the pain and hurt I felt. I smiled now at the memory of how that night ended. I had had the best sex of my life with my best friend. My best friend who was going home in 6months to marry his high school sweetheart.
8 years later, the roles are reversed and he has come to me for comfort. Tolu walked out on him and took his boys. I'd never stopped loving him. I glared at my reflection in the mirror, chiding myself "Tumi, fantastic, mind blowing, out of the world sex is NOT the same as love". But he came to me, I said to myself, he came to me... I have him now, and for me it has always been him. I walked back into the room, got into the bed and went astride Seun. I felt him stir, all of him, I took him inside me and threw my head back. If all I had was here and now, I was willing to take my chances.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I shall not die

"I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord"

My first conscious memory of these words from the bible was in July 1998. My aunty had cancer and the doctors had told her that it had spread into her bone marrow so she was brought back to Nigeria to die. I'd just come back home from secondary school and my parents were not in the country so my other aunty and I were alone in the house taking care of her. She was in a lot of pain when she was awake and to douse the effect of the pain she was put on Morphine. As you can imagine, the church folk kept trooping into the house with prayers and words of encouragement and bible passages. Prayers of different types, forms and nature (ehn you sha get my point... orishirishi). People came and prayed. She was told to recite that passage over and over and over "I shall not die but live to declare the works of the Lord". She recited the words, and on the 5th of August, my aunty died. I watched her suffer in so much pain, and she died.

As a young christian I just couldn't understand it, shebi they said she should declare, shebi she declared. I was torn between my grief and my wavering faith. I knew when my grandma died and she died in her sleep and she was old, but here was my aunty... aged 51 who taught me vowels and consonants... in pain and she still died after all that prayer? ha! I was so so confused. As I grew older I learnt that our prayers have to go with our faith, that when you pray you have to believe that our prayers would be answered. So I said ok, lesson learnt. Later on, I learnt that God has the sole discretion to answer prayers, so even when we pray, and we have faith that our prayers would be heard, HE has the final say cos he's the 'perfect' ONE who knows what is best for us and in the end of the day we say "thy will be done".

So does this mean that there is no need to pray so hard any more? does this mean that no matter how often we DECLARE something it is not a guarantee of getting what we want? I mean does this mean that people who die have no desire to live any more? is their work on earth done? if they had prayed harder, would they have lived? was their faith not strong enough to hold them through? I mean I prayed/ we all prayed for my cousin when he had the accident and he survived, he was bleeding into his brain and he survived, with a facial scar.. he survived.. and then Sage (my brother) dies?? But who are we to question God?? Does this mean that we should just take a siddon look approach with God and just say "You're gonna do what you would do anyway... I don't need to make any effort". If something doesn't work out for me, how do I know if I'm being inhibited by sin or if I'm just not praying hard enough or if I don't believe it enough or if God just doesn't want it for me? How do I know?

I know my blog isn't a theology class but sometimes I'm just sooo confused at the dynamics between God up in heaven and us earthlings, creatures of the Most High. What's our role exactly in the grand scheme of things?

Last night my sister got news that her friend died. He'd been ill for about 3 months and he got better. She was so excited that God did this great tremendous thing in the life of her friend and how He was faithful and next thing she hears Shegzy is dead. How do you reconcile that? is my faith too little to grasp how God works? Do I need to grow deeper in God? How much more faith do we need to have? and is it only when you face the final point of death that we hands off and say "Have your way oh Lord" If I declare that I shall not die but live to declare the works of the Lord, and the will of God is for me to die before I'm 30, does it mean I didn't declare hard enough?

I wanna live my life in such a way that when I'm gone I'd have achieved what I was placed on earth to do. I think I have gotten to the point where I don't care if I pass away today. I am not afraid of death. I have come to the point where I know that any day, any time I can slump and die. No this is not me being "unchristianly". This is me knowing that in the end of the day I'm not the one who determines whether I get to take the next breath or not, so why should I be going gragra. I'm going to live my life in the fear of God, and submit to the total and final will of God. I will have faith that HIS good and perfect will be done in my life. I'm not sure about declaring that I will not die. However, I will declare that while I have breath in me, I will live a life worthy of the number of years that God has chosen to give me...freely.

Whether or not i die... it's completely up to HIM

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Wifey Much

I've been meaning to write about this issue for a longgggg time, I've just not been able to put my thoughts together long enough to actually type. I pray I'd be able to hit the 'publish' button today Saturday the 16th of April. hehehe. In other TOTALLY UNRELATED news... we have the presidential elections in Nigeria today. I woke up and i went to the polling booth to get accredited. I'm kinda proud of myself because I never thought I'd actually go through with it for two reasons;1, my mother practically threatened me with all sorts of things to get me to register and 2, I don't know who I'm gonna vote for. I know I want the basics of light, constant power, good roads, running water, a good transportation system and all that but I'm not sure that any of the people running are going to do anything differently anyway so I just felt i'd rather not vote. However, if you're a young educated Nigerian right now, and you dare say you're not voting it's tantamount to saying "may the refineries never work in Nigeria again lai lai" or " Nepa will never give us power again" so when it is 12, I shall stroll back to the polling booth and pray that the Holy Spirit gives me guidance as i thumbprint.

Ok, enough about politics, that isn't the point of today's post. As always I need your opinion on something that's niggling at the back of my head.

As a girl, if your boyfriend has a place of his own and your boo is a bit of a slob, do you clean up while you're there or is that tantamount to being a "wifey". Guys, if your girl helps you clean up a bit, fold your clothes, make sure your sink/work top is clean and dry, do you think she's being forward?

on the other hand if he stays at home with his folks and his mum and aunties are making sunday lunch do you go help out or do you sit not wanting to be deemed forward?

A friend of mine told a story of how she went to visit her boyfriend in Porthacourt and found the dude was sleeping with his landlord's daughter/niece/sister-inlaw. Anyway, my friend B, being a very calm 'porraicourt' girl told the 'helper' that she wasn't here to quarrel or fight with her. She said her issue was this, "if the girl dey help me sleep with am, she suppose dey help me dey clean the house na... no be sey I go come from lagos bathroom go still dey dirty, room go dey dirty,na me go still dey come buy things for inside fridge and all that". It was hilarious. Really what role does one play as a girlfriend play when she's in a 'serious' relationship. I don't mean where you guys are just f&^k buddies oh!!! (pardon my french) cos in that case no one expects you to notice anything other than what you're there for and how comfortable or rough you like getting IT!

Personally, I don't think it's an abomination to clean up your boyfriends place, especially if he lives alone, and if you're not a 'homebuddy' I think you can arrange for him to get a cleaner to come in once in a while to clean up the place. I mean you go there ALL the time anyway, why would you feel comfortable in a place that's so dirty and untidy? and no I'm not encouraging boys to be slobs but if I don't think the girls who date slobs should be given a free pass. Unless ofcourse she's a slob too. My cousin Aji lived in my house once. He's like the most untidy person I know in this world. His room always had dirty plates from two weekends in a row, his dirty shirts were always on the floor, his stinky socks and shoes were always on full display. I remember how my sister and cousin always used to ask him to clean up his room, but one thing I remember vividly is how girls used to come and go through that room. He had girlfriends who brought food to him in that smelly dirty room. I was always amazed. Don't get me wrong oh, Aji is such a sweetheart but I couldn't get past girls who dated him and stayed for hours in that room.

Am i the one with issues? cos no way am I gonna allow you keep me in a dirty place, instead i'll just have us meet somewhere else oh! Hian!!!! Worriz all that?

Anyway, is it too much to clean up where you'd be 'hosted' or is a girl over stepping her boundaries if she washes the dirty dishes in your sink? what if she arranges for someone to come and keep your place clean and tidy? do u assume she's fishing for a marriage proposal?

Is cleaning up too much?