Thursday, April 1, 2010

We lost him

I was going to blog about something entirely different 2 weeks ago. I was going to blog about how love was actually the strongest tie that binds. I was going to go on and on about how parental love and sibling love was so strong and nothing could match it. I was going to tell you all about my brother's accident, the explosion of the generator and how he sprinted through the fire to go get his wife and kids out. I was going to blog about how brave my brother was in doing what he did. I was going to tell you how I was never going to go a day without telling any of my siblings how much I loved them and how I was going to sheath my sword of quarell with my dad.
This is what I was going to do before Monday the 22nd of March when my sister called me and said to me "We Lost Him".

I don't know how I feel at the moment, though I must tell you everyone asks me.. " How are you doing?" and I answer "I'm fine"

I'm not fine. Will I ever be fine? fine as i knew it? maybe not really, but God is my strength not so?

I have learnt a lot of things from everything that has happened. God has been speaking to me through different means, you wont believe that I listened to a Sunny Ade or was it 'Obey' song today and there was something for me there.

No one has the words to console me, not one person in this world can do it for me.
I've been in a trance, I come out once in a while, almost as if he's not dead. I do normal things, I clean, I cook and I play, and then I remember and this dark cloud of grief settles on my heart.
I find however, that when I think of God I feel the burden lift. I do not want to over spiritualise my blog but there is really no friend like God. He holds my hand as I fall asleep. He keeps re-assuring me that my brother is with him. I'm telling you, that stuff about God being the great comforter is real oh! Don't let anyone deceive you.
As I walked out of Vaults and Gardens ( the internment site) I kept chanting like a mantra " Oluwa ki se'bi.. ire lo'n se" ( God does not do evil.. he does good) I kid you not, God has been faithful too me in this my short life that I can not turn on Him at this time of sorrow and say He has done a bad thing to me. As i grieve, try though I may to be strong, it is only God that gives me the grace to get through the day without breaking down.
At the hospital, the cord of love that was between my brother and I could not have been stronger. I needed at all times to let him know that I loved him and even though I could not hug him cos of the severity of his burns, I told him, from my heart to yours.. I love you. He said, I love you too..very much.
I remember those words as clear as day. And even though I did not think he would die, I did not think that the last time I would see him alive was when he asked me to pull the blanket up to his neck and shield him from the cold.. I remember those words, I love you.. and I felt it. I knew in that minute that nothing could be stronger than the cords of love.
The love we as humans have for each other is but a microcosm of what God has for us. Imagine when God says to us, neither death nor life can separate us from the love of God. In essence, he's saying to me, even though I've brought your brother to rest with me, even though you wont grow old with him, I love you. So here I am, with the love of my brother before he died, and the love of God.

I have my low moments, I have times when I wish I had spent more time with my brother. There are times when I think about all the things he said to me in the 5 days we spent at the hospital. I think of his bright smile, I think of his humour, how he laughed at the blackness of his burnt face, how he made fun of the hospital.
I think of the sharpness of his brain and the acuity of his mind. And most of all, I can't help but think that Deji died a hero. He literally went through the fire for his family.
And that my friends, is what love is about.