Thursday, December 2, 2010

When people ask...

Ever wondered how easy it is to ask "How are you"? Ever noticed how quick we are to reply "Fine, thank you!" Well, I noticed how flippantly that question is asked. Most of the time the enquirer is no longer interested by the time he's done asking the question. Most of the time you issue your response so you can swiftly move on to the order of the day... whatever it is that you are about in the first place.

I take this question very seriously though. I never ask anyone how they are unless I genuinely wanna know. I usually ask with a bright smile on my face because I really care. I wanna know how you are and how you've been since the last time I saw you. I realise sadly, this is not the case with everyone.

I've been very weepy and teary eyed in the last one week. It's been a very sad time for me.I have a lot of those sad moments, but usually when I get in front of my laptop, I turn on my Modern family or Greys Anatomy and I'm fine. Recently, I've been really teary eyed, as in, it's been more than just being sad. I've been borderline depressed. You see, I'm a very cheery person ( or at least I like to think I am) but like every cheery person, I have my down times. So these tears and stuff, only means this is really a bad time. Let me explain a bit.

You see, I believe if you're single,(manless) then you should have money, like loads of money, or a really fulfilling career. You know, something that you can look back on and say.. that's what I was doing that I didn't have time to settle down. It just occured to me that, I'm on this dreary road to nothingness; no career satisfaction. I haven't found where my talent lies, I'm not rolling in bucket loads of cash and I'm manless?? Like really What The Heck??? When I was in Uni, I wasn't the partying sort, I wasn't the spiro born-again fellowship hopping girl, neither was I the top of my class.. LIKE FRIGGING SERIOUSLY... WHAT THE HECK?? I'm bloodly Jane Average!!!!!!

So you see, I've been mulling this around this my head and it's been bringing me to tears. I'm so unhappy at work, I'm going through the motions, I travel to work everyday, leave at 8p.m get home just in time to have a shower and fall asleep. To crown it all.. I'm manless.. Like What The Hell????? Seriously, if this isn't enough to bring me to tears... well I'm sorry.. my threshold for hurt is very low. I bruise easily, which brings me to what precipitated this blog post.

So I tweeted that I was really sad and it's been really hard to see beyond the tears at see those things I should be grateful for. Then a friend of mine gets on Gtalk and says.. "Why are you sad?" I said "It's really long and complicated I don't wanna talk about it because talking about it depresses me further and I'm in tears. Talking about it would only make me sadder" and then dude just goes on and on about how I should tell him.. then I finally tell him " oh it's about my job, I'm unhappy". Then he types "Dat's why you're crying, iranu(nonsense/trash/rubbish) Se iyen lo wa fa ekun (is that enough to warrant tears?)" I was in shock!!!! You see, if he'd just left me, I'd have been alright, I'd have been calm, I'd have been able to return to normal me, talking about Kanye West's new album and all things beautiful in the world. But in that moment, in that minute, I didn't need to be told I was crying for no just cause.

I know there are people starving in Sudan, I know there are people who've been married for 16 years with no kids, I know there's someone out there who's just lost a kid, I know there's someone out there who's been jobless for 4 years.. I know this. I, however, do not believe this precludes me from being able to weep at a situation which causes me hurt. "Friend", if you knew you didn't really wanna know what was wrong with me WHY DID YOU ASK??? I'm really upset! Usually, I cry, and I'll be fine.

I got back from work last friday and I was in tears. I met my brother in my house, and I just dragged him to the back and cried. I cried for 10minutes, not explaining anything, just crying. He stood there, not judging, not shouting.. "what.what" he was there for me. Then when I finished I told him how miserable I was at work, how I needed something to challenge me. I needed a reason to keep going to work. You see, to someone else, these are 'minor issues' but right now, this right there is my 'major issue'. Please respect me enough to let my major issue be major to me and don't knock me, especially not when I'm down and out and miserable.

When my brother died in March, a lot of people who came to commiserate were more interested in the 'gist' of how the generator exploded. Was he putting fuel in it while it was on? was he using his phone? I'm like..really how insensitive do some people get? When people ask questions, are they really ready for the responses they'll get? or they just ask for 'asking' purposes? It's not compulsory you know

When you ask how a person is doing, please be ready for how they are really doing. Don't ask because you need 'material'. If you are not ready, please don't ask. Just walk on by. Walk on by.

Sadly yours