Friday, January 14, 2011

The worth of a man

A few years ago my mom and I went to a dealership to buy a car. After signing the paper work we turned around and as we got to the car, the clerk followed us and asked me for my number, I looked at him and said I didn't have a phone. He smiled at me and I glared back, entered the car and left. The events of that day in R.T Briscoe is often recounted to me over and over again by mother. She cites it as an example of pride and setting too high standards. Every opportunity she gets to talk about my being single and how I have 'high standards', she is quick to talk about the R.T Briscoe clerk.

Last week, she said that this year she was going to encourage me to be a friendlier person and then said if Mr. ABC says he likes you, give him a chance. I gasped, "Mom, Mr. ABC is a clerk in my office, besides he is dating one of the cleaners". I burst into tears immediately. Had my case become one of "anyone wey come?". I was miserable. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I mean here I am, a well educated young woman, being pawned off to the nearest bidder, not highest oh... nearest!!! My mother said "the worth of a man is not where he is right now". This got me thinking, asking myself the question...Am I proud? am I choosy? am I a picky individual? I have said it time and time again and even readers of my blog know this, I ask for very few things and in this order:
1. The fear of God (A man with the fear of God entrenched in him is estopped from doing hurtful things. He will be governed by the tennets of God and as such will love me as he loves God. I do not mean all those eye-service Christians oh, those ones that will say I should not wear "trozziz". I mean a fear of God and the genuine love of God embedded in his core. Note that I did not say 'awon spiro' oh. I didn't say those 'i-live-in-the-church-but- i-can-kill-you-with-my-nasty ass-unforgiving-spirit'. I mean the true love of God. Shey you get??)
2. Education, drive, wit, and intellect. This is self explanatory. I can't over emphasize these things. All four are fundamental and I believe they are a four-in-one cocktail.
3. Family background.A lot of people make the stupid mistake of saying "I'm marrying him not his family" can I get a resounding "DeyDere!!!!!" For me, a person's family background goes a long way in forming who he is today, his mindset and how his inclinations are. Now I know everyone can't come from the same type of stock but indeed iron sharpeneth iron. #NuffSaid.

As you can see I have not said the guy has to be stupendously rich, I have not said I require him to take me on holiday on an exotic island bi-annually. I have not said I will not move in with him into a small place. I tell you this, I can be with a man who has no car, who has a tiny room if he has the fear of God, he is educated, he has the drive for more, a desire for more, if he's witty and funn for God Forbid I live with a man who isn't funny or has no sense of humour. I will gladly take public transport with a kind hearted intelligient man. I will be with a man who's not intimidated by the fact that I have a loving family and who has kind family members. I want to be with a person whom I can start another family with.

I have enumerated here how I measure the worth of a man. because I realise that this "worth of a man" concept isn't universal. It isn't a one-size-fits-all thing. To each his own. For me, I don't wanna make a mistake. I am not shallow ( or at least I'd like to believe I am not) but I'd like to be able to talk to my partner/friend/husband about the nuances of my work, my interests and my life. There has to be that initial threshhold from which other things would be launched.

How do you measure the worth of a man/woman?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


My office shut down on the 17th of December, so it's been a really long holiday for me. I'm back at work now and truth be told I do feel refreshed. The fact that there's no immediate pressure at work also helps too.

Yeah I know people normally start the year with lofty resolutions and all, my one resolution this year.. TRIPPLE MY NETWORTH by December 2011. I am sorry if it appears like I'm motivated by material things, but it is what it is. ;)

Ok, on to today's rant.

A friend of mine recently got "disengaged". Her fiance sent her a "Dear John" (or 'Jane' in this case). Dude listed out in a clear, coincise manner, all the things he called her "flaws" and stated that he was unable to accept them and they were not issues that were up for discussion. She was distraught. She spent the first month trying to call him and he wasn't picking up her calls. He asked his driver to take all her belongings to her house ( you know how we girls like to leave one or two things strewn around Boo's office... marking our territory and stuff like that.. not so subtle but yes we do it) anyway, so dude basicallly wiped out all traces of her from his life. She is STILL distraught.

The primary bone of contention with the guy was her religion. Lemme tell you a lil' som'n about my friend. She was has muslim parents, she was raised as a muslim and somewhere along the line, she became a Christian. Her ex-fiance is a muslim. According to him, when they met she told him she was a moslem. According to her, she told him she ws a "non practising muslim". He says she deceived him. All this before he used his mouth to PROPOSE to her oh! He knew about this 'deceit', he knew she had flaws and went ahead and asked her parents for her hand in marriage. He proposed to her and told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

He woke up one sunday morning and all of a sudden, he didn't want to be with her anymore. According to her, they didn't quarell, in fact, they had "resolved" the religion issue. He wasn't gonna force her to become a muslim and according to her, she would have reverted if he had asked.

Another friend of mine was in a similar situation a year ago. Hers was slightly different, in her own case it was a clear case of "You're a christian, I'm a muslim. I love you and I wouldn't try to change you." They added a slight twist to theirs; my friend promised her boo she wasn't gonna take "his" children to church. So for them, both parties were promising to stay in their own lane! (Hm!!! note the "his" children not "their" children) Anyway, they started planning their wedding and dude realises that you know what? This religion issue which we'd "resolved" isn't soo resolved o! Babe, I don't think I can do this. Another broken engagement.

This brings me to the crux of this post... what exactly do people mean when they say they've resolved issues that are as fundamental as religion when they are about to get married? Faith is a very personal thing, and as such I wonder, how do you "resolve" it just to enable a marriage?

I lived in a home where the mommy was a christian and the daddy was a muslim. Trust me, it was not fun! They were always fighting! Apparently before they got married wayy back in the late 60's the Mommy's father had made the Daddy promise that he'd never convert his daughter. It was "resolved": but as the years went by, Daddy became a real big shot in his town and his political career shot up! He was a visible Alhaji with a Christian wife. She grew older and increased her church activity. It was messy. Trust me. I lived through it. It was messy! I would cower at the foot of the step when the screaming started on sunday mornings when Mommy carried her bible and purse with plans to go to church.

Are these things ever resolved? Do you wanna go into a marriage knowing you're not in sync with your partner? Should both parties not be able to pray and encourage each other? My friend who is a muslim shared with me a story of how ALL her life she's always known her parents to pray together every evening. Like clockwork. They brought up their children in that way.

Faith, your faith is personal. It's the beacon that guides your walk through this maze called life. You know how they say "better a broken engagement than a failed marriage"? It sounds like a cliche but it is true. My friend dodged a bullet I tell ya!
I don't believe you should waver in your faith. Do what you know is right to do, not just for yourselves, but for your children. Don't let them grow up confused. Show them the right path and bring them up with a oneness of heart
All my life, I was brought up to believe that the father is the spiritual head of the home. I wanna marry someone who prays like me, who shares my faith. Someone who can say to me like my friend's dad... "Come up, let's pray". It is resolved!