Saturday, May 29, 2010

Why do we have to get married?

This post was inspired by someone I follow on Twitter.

Recently, my friend 'diagnosed' me of being anti-relationships, anti-marriage , she said it was partly because i was afraid (her words not mine). I guess to an extent I am guilty of taking one side of the marriage story and saying 'mehn, i'm not down for all this ooo'.

I have openly told my friends that a lot of us women get married because they keep saying ' you've finished school.. what is next' You know the way people always asked ' so what Uni are you off to' when they see you at home after Secondary School. So marriage always appears to be the NEXT major thing.If they don't ask you, they ask your parents, your parents subtly ask you ' that guy that keeps coming here nko, is he not saying anything?'A lot of us get married because we just need to move out of our houses, I mean, you are tired of your room, you are tired of your parents shouting 'Aderonkeeeeeee'from downstairs when you just wanna lie in! So what do we do, we clamour for a marriage proposal. We believe that surely we can do better! I asked a lady who came to live in our BQ why she married her husband? and she said ' I had finished school now, what else was left'I was shocked at her reason! You MARRIED a person.. tied yourself to a man because it was the 'NEXT' thing to do? **GASP*** This chic and her boo were living in our BQ, (FOC) dude did not have a place.. and no they were not pregnant..they just felt it was right! I complained to my mum and she said.. there is nothing wrong with it.. "Do u know where ur daddy and I started from?"

I have been making an effort to stop thinking like that, I have started trying to see things positively, I want to believe that marriage is not just a place I want to get in so that I can have uninhibited sex without the fear of the hand of God striking me! and then guess what happens.. I read this on twitter.. I shall copy and paste it here :

"ok here goes... As far as a marriage is concerned, what's really in it for men? i mean, what do women really do in the 21st century marriage? cook? no... there's a cook 4 dat. clean? no... there's a maid 4 dat. provide money? again no! there's me for that. and God forbid that they take care of their own children cuz what then would the nanny do? most of the households i see 2day r like this. it's a damned shame really. dont get me wrong, guys are pricks too. and i guess women have just evolved to match our err... prickiness. lol. basically, with marriage, the rules of engagement have changed. if i was born 50 years ago, then i'd be all for marriage. but now? no tainks cuz now, i'd be marrying an independent woman who depends on me... Go figure. (O_o) that's all folks. like i said earlier, it might not make the most sense but bear with me. :))"

And that is the view of marriage from the lens of one person! I believe a lot of men share that perspective!
So why do people still come around and ask, ' so how far now... mr Right nko?' who is Mr Right and who is this Miss Right they all keep going on about? I said 'who' and not 'where' because I honestly don't believe that person is anywhere on the surface of this earth! The society has evolved, a lot of women work now, and they earn an income, a lot of women are more independent financially but society needs them to be in this box called marriage. I know a lot of women who say why should they go to work and come back and start sweating in the kitchen, or is it after such a stressful day at work that they want to come and start taking care of a whiny baby? or cleaning the house? The money they make can do all that for them NO?

Society is not structured the way it used to be, things and people have why can this issue of marriage not evolve?

I however believe that there is a lady somewhere out there ( albeit remotely out there) who is willing to cook, clean, nurse the babies, and not be clingy! I also believe there is a man out there who will not beat me, not take my money and thereafter jack me for sex (my worse fear BTW), know how to drive, be able to raise my kids with me, and will love God (like i said.. he's somewhere out there lol)but in the mean time.... can someone please free the single people from the pressure of marriage?

Please! Let's be allowed to make the best of our lives without being made to feel like we are missing out on one super duper thing and our lives are incomplete without it.

(p.s I'm the product of a 40 year old marriage so NO I'm not from a dysfunctional home)


  1. i totally get you.. i think its just something with our african mentality..same like ..if you don't go to a are a waste of space..
    and you are not about to win this debate.. or at least it will take some time.

  2. interesting views, sounds very pessimistic though. Hmm with all the negativity you heard, just like with any thing in life, have you spoken to the right kinda people,those who are actually optimistic?. Marriage is very rewarding, all those fears just have to be taken to the Lord in prayer and He will give you the desires of your heart. People drive and get in accidents and die everyday, that doesn't stop you from driving or getting in a car does it? you choose to be optimistic and still get in a car, hoping to get to your destination.
    There is great percentage of women out there who got married because they found the one that they truly loved, who loved them back, you can be one of then, they found men who understood that they didn't have to stand in the kitchen after work every day etc, its about finding the right person, and you become a team and work things out together. What I see is fear and btw no offense, a 40year marriage does not mean its not dysfunctional. I wish you all the best.

  3. @NewLife I'm not completely knocking out marriage!
    I'm merely saying that those who are married should leave people who are not married be and stopp bugging them like they are missing out on a piece of paradise! I'm saying, the fact that a person is not married doesn't mean that they are un fulfilled!

    oh and i forgot to qualify the 40 year marriage.. It's had it's ups and downs but trust be, it has been anything but dysfunctional! :P

    Thanks for stopping by :D