Sunday, August 9, 2015

How to Find Yourself a Good Woman... or Something Like That

I wrote this piece back in 2012 and it was published on WeRunThings. I was going through my portfolio of work and I found it. 
I'm not going to edit it, just so it can have a semblance of authenticity. 

I hope you enjoy reading it.

I spent the last week ruminating on the veracity of IK Osakioduwa’s TipsToGettingAMAn. I’ve also been trying to find a Nigerian celebrity, who is, prima facie, happily married with 2 kids (poster image of perfection), who would be willing to write Ten Tips To Getting and Keeping A Woman. The fact that you’re reading this now, means that I have been unsuccessful.
I believe that there’s no such thing as One Size Fits All especially with relationship issues because of difference in personalities and backgrounds/upbringing. If you don’t believe me, just check out the comments section of blogs and websites…. it’s a riot! There is a truth to every comment… as true to the mind of the writer as can be imagined. It might be a lie, but the person believes it to be true and that is enough for the person.I really didn’t want to have to write this because hey… what do I know about getting and keeping a woman? Nobody has gotten me or kept me for that matter. So what qualifies me to write this piece? I’ll tell you… NOTHING. Well, maybe not NOTHING! I have access to this medium and I’m going to use it. Here goes!
Atoke’s Tips For Getting A Good Woman
  1. Learn To Do Solo Trips: There are so many good looking guys with plenty “sweg” and a plethora of foreign accents out there; allow the woman notice you. Roll alone, allow her assess your qualities without all your men casting a shadow on your shine.
  1. Whether Na One Naira: Someone said all a man needs to have is money, to get a woman. Not entirely true, but no girl wants a broke dude! Whether na one naira, have it and let it come in regularly. Girls like to be pampered, whether with ‘Kristian Lobatan’ Shoes or by the real deal Red Soles.
  1. Reel In Your Relatives: There’s something to be said for a man who can protect his woman from the onslaught of relatives. A guy should learn to properly keep his nosy aunties and rude sisters away from the girl. Nobody wants to start dealing with the challenges of in-laws even before they get into the family. Massive turn off.
  1. Champagne Popping & Raining Benjamins: For some reason, men believe that this is ALL a woman needs to see. Wrong! The good woman wants a man who’s very good with managing his finances, she needs to know you wont leave the bills unpaid for a weekend of fun with your friends at the GrandPrix in Abu Dhabi.
  1. Be Neat & Well Dressed at ALL times: The whole cave man look is so 1942! Please take time to shave, wear antiperspirant and dress well. A good woman doesn’t want to have to deny knowing you when she is in a gathering of her friends. Don’t make it more difficult by being un-presentable.
  1. Be Respectable & Respectful: A good woman will have absolutely no problems submitting to a man who is respectable and respectful. The odds wont really be in your favor if you come into her house acting like an agbero. Picking a quarrel with your gate man/ maid or even worse, hers…will earn you NO points. Remember, respect begets respect (as cheesy as that sounds, it’s true)
  1. Learn to cook, Do yourself a favor and learn how to cook: No really, really do LEARN to cook. Because, assuming that knowing a woman’s knowledge of cooking automatically confers her with all the wisdom of world is failure. More importantly, a good woman becomes mush when her man whips up a meal. You don’t believe me? Go check out the comments section on Chef Fregz’ posts on BellaNaija. Dude gets women slathering after him every week.
  1. Have Standards & Keep Your Word: Nobody wants a man who says one thing and does the other. Really, have standards and let your word be your bond.. That is all.
  1. Read & Keep Yourself Well Informed: It’s not enough to be Tall Dark & Handsome, you have to have something in between your ears. Imagine being at a business lunch and the topic of the killing of the American Ambassador in Libya comes up and you have NO clue what’s going on. Ignorance is not bliss. Keep yourself abreast of what’s happening  around you. It’s the least you can do.
  1.  Remember your frailties as well as hers: It’s important that you remember that the same kind of blood that flows through your veins, flows through hers. Whatever inadequacies you have, and have to live by, the chances are that she has her own dose of inadequacies as well and it is only in the constant remembrance of these frailties can you get the girl of your dreams.

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