Crush

He walks by and i feel the chills to the tip of my toes
Barely sparing me a glance
What's that fragrance he wears? who knows?
Is it made in France?
Why do i feel him always so close?
Or is it just me in a trance
My heart feels like its choking me
The magnitude of what I'm feeling
is almost incomprehensible
Even to me,
Surely there has to be some meaning to this feeling
Its unreciprocated, Its incomprehensible
Yet it refuses to free me of its grasp
Im walking around with thoughts that someday,
he will just turn around and see me
I walk around in this maze,refusing to see the truth
Im almost invisible to him, yet i hold on
In my sane moments of course,
I realise that it leads to no where
But i refuse to acknowlege that he is not the one for me
Maybe, just maybe I'll out grow it
Maybe I'll out grow him
Maybe I'll just look back and laugh
But now........ all i am is enchanted,
by this crush of mine


170708

I'm not marrying you because...

I'm not marrying you because
i'm 28 and I happen to be single.
not because fear makes me tingle
Not for the need to discuss

I'm not marrying you because
i want to have a larger family
not because it sucks to sleep alone
Definately not because, i need to share

I'm marrying you because
it just feels so right
You are such a delight
Not one to fuss
You love me as i love you
and that is why
I am marrying you
till i die

Mama Ogadi

I used to make one kick ass 'ghana weaving' braids with one girl called Ify. Ify's braids were soo good that you could tell if a person had just left Ify's place I mean she had a signature way she "carried her hand" and so the weave just looked marevelous! anyway so because Ify was soo good and she was the only one who made the hair, you had to get there really early as in like 6 am.. to 'book' a number.. she never did pre-booking. So I would always like to be "number 1" so I'd get the best of Ify's morning charm and I'd get to Ify's shop at 5.30 (yes.. i know too early abi.. ehn ... I like my hair being on point when I make it)

So ify's shop is infront of a house that has like 4 flats in it. One of the families that live in the house is Mama Ogadi's family!

When u arrive at 5.30 am to the house, Mama Ogadi ( hereinafter referred to as M'Ogadi as is pronounced) would be already up and about.. she would be pouring water into the gutter in front of the house... then she would go outside the gate and light a fire with which she would boil water for her family to wash up when they wake up! M'Ogadi had 5 girls... five girls with age difference of not more than a year between them. M'Ogadi's mother-in law lived in that house too. She sells fried fish in front of the house. P'Ogadi has 2 brothers and 1 sister living with him!
So i would sit there, waiting for my hair dresser to come I would see people oozing out of this really tiny flat. I wondered.."dear God.. Where did they all sleep"?
Out of that tiny flat came 6 adults and 5 children. P'Ogadi was a 'cabu cabu' driver ( not a taxi oo, and not a cab.. mba no.. a 'cabu cabu' is those really battered cars that park at the garage and wait for each of you to enter.. so 7 of you would pile into a Peugeot station wagon.. yes.. that is a '
'cabu cabu') So P'Ogadi is a 'cabu cabu ' driver.. I know Grandm'Ogadi sells fish.. M'Ogadi says good bye to us here makes around 8 am . I was not quite sure what she did but Ify told me many years later than M'Ogadi was a school teacher. P'Ogadi's sister didnt really do much, she would sit infront of the flat with a mirror , all day pinching the pimples(acne) on her face and brushing her hair.. in my mind I would think, these ones are on stand bye to kick M'Ogadi out of her house if this pregnancy she is carrying is another girl.. ( oh I forgot to mention M'Ogadi was pregnant!!!)
The brothers -in-law.. what do they do?? who knows.. but at least they go out and dont come back until late.. ( yes sometimes I dont get number 1 position and have to go and come back, my hair doesnt get finished till 8pm)

The other day I was thinking of M'Ogadi and I was sad.M'Ogadi had a permanent hard look on her face, her face was weary all the time.M'Ogadi is the Nigerian Woman personified.
There are so many women out there, suffering in this country. Women who have to work really hard, I mean extra hard, physical labour just to feed their family. The Nigerian system of having extended family does not help either. M'Ogadi has to feed her 5 daughters, she has to send them to school and then when she comes back, she has to make dinner for her kids and those agbayas that live in her house.. and her mother-in-law too. She has to endure the derision of being "unable to produce sons" hence the need to "try" again.

I plan to make my hair soon, and I really pray that M'Ogadi has been given a better lease on life. So at least i can see some cheerie faces around me as I await dawn and the beautiful hair Ify's craftmanship is going to weave on my head.

A slap or two?

About 2 weeks ago, a friend of a friend asked me what it would take me to leave my marriage, I promptly responded.. " If he beats me... i will pack my load kia kia!!" The guy asked me if that was the only thing... i thought deeply.. and sensing it was a trick question I said.. well I dont really know what may come in future.

I've never really thought too deeply about the matter of domestic violence but that question really made me reach into the deep recesses of my mind to think about it.

When I was younger, I lived in a home where the 'daddy' used to hit the 'mommy'. I always felt it was alcohol induced and I felt those quarels were caused by religious differences and I made a mental note.. even then.. in my early teenage years not to marry someone who was wither given to alcohol or was of a different religion from me. I thought...ah these are things that cause problems later on in life o.. I will not do it oo! Some years later, I went to my hometown for a cousin's wedding and my cousins and I went out for drinks, one of my cousins got soo messed up that when he got home he took an axe to his mother... ahh me that I already had fear of alcohol in excess and what it does to otherwise sensible men. So for me it was a double NO NO!


But then I grew up, and i realise that alcohol is not the only inducement for a man to raise his hand and slap me.. some people are just flipping damn crazy!!! I mean... C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!


So i think when he slaps me, I'm packing my load and leaving right???? well not so fast lady.. where are you packing to? "Erm.. back home off course" " Dont I have family?, ee see me see trouble oh? is it untill he kills me before I leave.. ahhh abegi oo" It seems very easily said right? But I dont think it is. I think the hardest part is the feeling of failure, knowing your marriage failed. You could not make it work.
The truth is there are two sides to this thing. Maybe because of our culture and the irritating mix of religiousity therein! There is the school of thought that you have to stay there and make it work , you give it your whole.. after all your mother stayed with your father.. abi do you think this 40years of marriage have not been fraught with their own brand of mishaps.. no my child you will stay with your husband.. you will endure.. u hear? endure my child.. some will even go as far as to say.. ahh where do u want to go with this your little baby? dont u know how the world perceives single girls with babies?( ah please ooo let world come and be receiving head butt for me naa** eye roll***) i digress... so they tell you to suck it in and endure..
There is the school of thought that says.. divorce is a sin and as such.. ermm madam.. if u leave him you are sinning.. oh yess even if he is breaking ur head with a base ball bat and you wear sunglasses to cover your bruises at all hours of the day.. my dear you are still a sinner oh! Ehn because ermmm "divorce is a sin"

Then there is the school of thought that says.. girl.. up and leave the S.O.B oh! do u want him to kill you ( god bless that your friend that is giving you that advice.. if she is single... they will say.. ah see life.. because she no get man she wan make u carry ya load commot from ya husband house) Dont let him kill you before you leave oh.. if he kills you.. your body will not be cold before another woman will move and and please dont gimme that crap about you wanting to stay because of your child or children.. TAKE THEM WITH YOU!!!!
NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED. You deserve better than a man who will slap you around oo!

So this brings me back to the main issue... how do you tell that the man will not one day come and slap you? how do u know that this sweet loving boyfriend of yours, who is the perfect boo, whom you cant wait to spend your life with will not one day in a fit of anger throw a hot pressing iron smack in your face?
It scares me you know? 'Cos sometimes its easy to say " you would have been seeing the signs" yes i agree there are some guys that they start their own crase from when you are dating and if u see those signs and you still say ( and please dont give me that BS about you loving him) then maybe.. just maybe you deserve to be beaten but even then gaaaan!! I'm talking about those sweet men that take you on trips, talk you through issues you have at work.. rub your feet when you are tired, stand up to their mom's for you.. yes.. im talking about those men.. those ones that crase just worries them! how will you know and what do u do when he comes with sappy puppy eyes and says... "baby, I'm truly sorry. I love you my heart breaks at the thought that I.. I oladimeji.. could ever put a scar on this porcelain perfect face of yours"

What does one say to that??

If I could

If i could keep you here
I would
If my tears could drown you
it would

I am just so tired
Tired of holding on to you
I try to will you back to me
But it all seems futile

So I'm letting you go
because you are not mine
maybe you were never mine
but my tears still flow

If my will could break you
i'd try
if my love could tame you
it would

Birthing

The head pops out first
then the rest of the body wriggles out
Covered in fluid, red gooey fluid
The skin is rumply looking
Yet we do not see the inadequacies,
We do not see the pain which was wrought upon us
just to bring it forth
Beauty is birthed,
joy soars in our hearts...
The pain all forgotten...
New life is birthed
A new entity
I feel so honoured
That this great person
this life changer
This beautiful, kind hearted soul
has come through me
All of a sudden, life does not seem so bleak
I feel i can do something
I have made a difference to the world.
I have played a part in the new generation.
I am a mother.

Where Do We Go From Here

My dear friend Gbonju sent me an email i sent to her in 2003. as I read the e-mail, I was almost certain I was not the one who wrote it. I think it was my very first attempt at public writing. Off course it never got published and the scenarios i painted in the piece have not changed much.
I hope everyone who reads it will enjoy it and make a change if need be in what ever situation they find themselves.

Enjoy!!!

I'm a Nigerian girl who has seen so many traumas of being a Nigerian and even living in Nigeria.First of all the, ill that befalls me everyday; the way out of my house has been bad for sooo long that we no longer go through that route, the alternative is also a living hell.I dont know when last i had 30 minutes of uninterruped power supply .Then I thought and thought what the cause of all these troubles were, we spend too much time making noise about the government and what they are not doing and what they should do that we take the focus of ourselves.In a bus, you see people getting upset with the bus driver because he's not stopping them at exactly the point they want to stop, irrespective of whether there are a hundred cars behind their bus, or whether they are not at the precise bustop, they'll scream blue murder at the conductor....its terrible.You know, I'm upset about the fact that students have been at home for 5 months!!!!! I know every one talks about this and I dont want to re-flog the issue, but look at it, the thing has dragged on for too long. its almost as if the ASUU members themselves are not sure of the essense of the strike or is there something they are not telling us?5 schools now have pulled out.so is it that those schools have more comapssion on the students than the others or is it that they no longer believe in the cause they were fighting? or is it that they have beeen settled of?????Look at this scenario too, we are all about to board a ferry going to Marina from Wharf okay? and we are just a handful, but what do Nigerians do??? we rush and push each other and get scratched and scraped all to get on one ferry... guess what? the ferry doesn't get filled up before it leaves the dock..Getting to Marina what do we do???? we start rushing off as we see Marina in sight. Do we wait for the ferry to berth???No, we start scrambling off like mad people.An accident happens and then you hear all sorts of comment about Govenrment this and Govenrment that!We have to start by doing the littlest things for ourselves.Like being disciplined, drinking pure water and restraining ourselves from throwing the paper out the window, not throwing our Gala wraps on the road, not complaining that the government waste disposal policies are not well implemented.Look at this sad situation.The setting is a Lagos State health center.There is power outage (not unusual) but the Government has provided the generator, contrary to what people like to believe. There is a man in the engineering department who has been employed to put on the generator as and when needed, okay? He neglects his duty and doesnt come to work , when he does, he waltzs in at 11.30 p.m (he's to resume at 7.00p.m) as if he is perfect order.So when people come in and need health services and there's no power they complain to their friends and loved ones that 'the government' has made no provision for power supply. And that they,therefore, prefer to go to private hospitals.Did you know that the best doctors are employed in Government hospitals? Did youuknow that they are well paid? Better than the average private hospital doctor?.Now in all fairness, the generator man is an everyday person like me who will complain about the ASUU strike and dirt on the streets and bad roads and all that. But is he serving and doing his best in his little corner?? NO!!!. The ambulance driver comes to work as and when he feels the urge to show his face, what happens to ill people that need to be transferred from place to place??Need i speak about the man supposed to issue cards, about the chief matrons and other nurses... its too bitter to remeber 'To Serve our Father land, with Love and strength and Faith' Our kids sing this songs everyday in schools but they dont see good examples of Love and Strength and Faith.I was priviledged to be in Kano when the presidential aspirant Buhari came for campaign, there were truck loads of people, with spears, cutlasses and all sorts of harmfull weapons screaming 'sai mai sallah' i thought to my self, 'isnt this supposed to be a political campaign?' why are we bringing religion into it? why the violence.?? I saw graffittis of President George Bush labelled as an infidel... I was stunned! I thought to myself?? 'Because there's a war between the west and the east is that automatically translated into a war between Christianity and Islam?' I thought to myself ,are these people illetrates or what? they would stop at nothing to kill someone else because we place so much importance on such trivialites such as our religious differences.Where is the love that we are supposed to have for one another?Our we brightening the little corners where we are ?We are Nigerians, we should be the ones to build Nigeria.Then the Government.....hmmm. You know, I was priviledged to be in Abuja a few months ago and you know the place is almost ideal, (at least some areas) you almost forget you are in Nigeria, you set out , plan to get some where in 15 minutes and you are there! maximum extended time, 5 mins. So I figure, how will they know what ills I go through in lagos? they live ideal lives they are comfortable, their bills are paid and coverd by the almighty GOVERNMENT.I drove past the police head quaters i was impressed, I mean ... I am the worlds' greatest cynic and I said "wow", i would like to be a cop if I saw a place like this; and then without allowing that thought to rest I remembered the horrors of 'shandi shandi' in Lagos and the stray bullets and all those.....horrible times, the criminals that go unpunnished and all that and i think.. Nigeria, we hail thee.But do I blame the police men??? no~! how can i expect them to solve cases like Dick Tracey, do they have good data collection facilities? no?? do we have a good terrific forensic? good and intelligient investigators? i mean Investigators, officers of the law? not.....'Men in Black' on the streets oh!You know we love noise making in Nigeria, a little thing and we are blowing our own trumpets. If the police department buys 10 new geeps today you'll see it on newsline, tell me if one of those geeps is going to help book criminals...NEVER!!!!!!!!!I dont want to talk about the siren and the convoys that are used to intimidate normal everyday people.The issue of gun carrying by the police men too is also a fact that gives me shivers.Why must they carry guns on the street.Is it that Nigeria is in a perpetual state of emergency? why the psychological intimidation, why must the 'men in black' carry weapons' why do they need to cock it to frighten, the bus drivers, why will they give the guns the opportunity to " accidentally discharge" ( i hate to use the term "in civilised countries" because it make us sound like animals) In the west, do we see the officers of the law around intimidating the citizens with guns and armoured tanks? only in times of distress and then they apologize to the citizens for the ocurence.I went to Unilag last week and i saw a war tank, it was all i could do to shudder and gasp.... what was going on here? so i realised that in their warped minds this was what the could do to protect themselves from 'rioting , violent students ' abi?Let me tell you another upseting aspect of my trip to Abuja. I had an opportunity to visit the National hospital .I was enthralled, it was beautiful. As I walked down the corridoors of the hospital, i felt my spirit soar at the thought of this edifice being Nigerian, and for the first time in a really long time i felt proud to be a Nigerian even if temporarily.It was like a stream in the midst of a desert for a soujourner (and i did feel like a soujourner just going through the motions of life ). The place was beautiful and VERY standard , nothing haphazardly done.As with everything in Abuja, no expense was spared and for a good cause too, i was pleased. I went home nearly flying cos of the joy. There was hope for my homeland.We had succeeded in doing something good for the benefit of all of us and not just the elite few.As I reached my aunty's house i was bursting with joy, i recounted my experience at the hospital, my joy at seeing the place.The flowers, the scenery, I couldnt contain myself I was given a cold drink and told to sit down.In a soothing voice, as if not to break my excitement my cousin told me "It is not managed by Nigerians,Ronke, The management of the hospital is contracted out to foreigners.".Needless to say i was heartbroken.So, therefore, I came to the conclusion that the hope of breaking out of the darkness was dim.Maybe not in my life time, perhaps in the time of my kids unborn.As I thought about our not doing anything right, I thought about ballette bustop area on apapa oshodi express road, Lagos that was bad for several months which led to horrific traffic. I was traumatised.Anytime i had to go towards Oshodi i got really depressed. A friend of ours missesd his flight to the U.S after spending 4 hours at Ilasa. It was almost hillarious, the next day he went to the airport in the morning and didn't bother going back home.Now the roads been fixed but has anybody thought to ask why that spot always goes bad when the rains come? no! I discovered that the road itself was in the path of a canal and it would always erode.What do i think should be done? simple, make a flyover about that spot.I also thought that since I'm not that much of a genius some brilliant civil engineer must have thought about that so why hasn't it been done? funds??? negligience? no scale of preference on the part of the 'Government'?Or perhaps, there is no brilliant indegenous civil Engineer..... because all our students don't get properly taught. They are rushed through the course outline, given the date of their exam and told to read hard.Of course, the good ones go and read hard, if they are lucky to be on the good side of the lecturer they get good grades. If they are not, they get pasable grades.The bad ones off course don't bother at all with reading and they somehow manage to get out of school with an equalizer 2-2 (2 for school they will take 2).they have some nice uncle somewhere who helps them get a relatively okay job (which makes them better off than their contemporaries at home) The M.D of the company where they are working knows someone somewhere who can help get a contract.They get awarded the contract and then our fresh undegraduate is given the project.. haha his degree is put into use fianlly! Does he know half of what's expected of him???? no!!!does he do a shoddy job??Naturally!Where do we go from here?