I believe

I believe in love
Even though I do not feel it
I believe in the air,
'cos I breathe it
I believe the sun is shining
Even though I do not feel it
I believe in the silence
'cos it envelopes me
I believe in the dark,
even though it brings no joy
I believe in a smile,
'cos it brightens up my day
I believe in God
even when the pain wracks so deep
I believe in death
'cos one day, I'll be no more.

Elusive Purpose

How is it , that i feel so empty
Yet I'm bursting with so much
So much to think, to do to say
Yet i can not find the words
The world around me is expectant,
Having been blessed with such
I am found seriously wanting
I wonder if when death comes
Will I be ready
Because I feel I haven't acheived my purpose
Where does one seek purpose?
Where does one seek this so elusive thing?
In the smile on people's faces when I've done something nice
The joy which radiates just by my being there
A burden i have helped lift
A tear i have helped dry
Life,
purpose,
it seems one cannot have one without the other
But purpose cannot actually be measured
It is felt, and it is what keeps me going.
I have to bring joy and happiness to the next person.
I need help, I can not but seek
for purpose, so elusive, so free
can only be found
in this tangled web of life

Dear God

All day today, I have been moaning and whining and complaining, and it just occured to me that somewhere up in heaven, You must be tired of hearing from me today.
I am a truly blessed child and all I've done today is complaining about something I dont have or the other. I'm either complaining about Smoking Joe, or my hair, or money to make my hair, or something.
I had an epiphany while i was in the shower this night, 'God has been soooo good to me and all I have done to repay him has been to whine about what He has not yet finished doing'.
I am truly sorry.

So here goes, a list of things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful for the patience and the time taken to raise me up. My parents gave up a lot for me to have the best upbringing ever. My mum says all the time they would rather by books than buy clothes. I read all Ladybird series, Secret Seven, Famous Five before I was 10. I remember how my mother would nearly have a fit if you said "th" the wrong way, or pronounced a word like you were to lazy to make the effort. I am eternally grateful because today i can say "Woolwich" (Woolich) the way it was meant to be said.
2. I can not really say I have ever struggled to 'look' for a job in the real sense of it. I have been blessed, instead what do I do? I moan about having to drive all the way to Lekki. Some people just want to work.. they will sort logistics out, and here I am at a job that people are looking for and shallow me.. I complain.
3. I did my NYSC in Lagos. Trully, that may seem like small fry but I cant imagine having been in Yobe ooo seriously!
4. Never thought I'd say this but I'm grateful for Smoking Joe, warts and all that old dude gets me around this metropolis.
5. I'm grateful for the fact that I have never been deported, my name is not on the news for attempting to blow up any aircraft, I am just lil ol' unknown me.
   
6. I have just come back from holiday , a holiday I totally and thoroughly enjoyed every bit of (albeit one little annonnying someone who made me sad) and I was with my sister, and my friends and I life was just peachy. How did I manage to forget that just last week I was in bliss, and I'm already complaining that I have to service the car, I have to go to work....You are truly patient ooo...
   If i had a child who was always whiny and moany.. one day I'll just lock her up in the bathroom.
7. I'm grateful for my intelligent friends and my family... they are available as resource. They are always there, a well of knowledge and support! I'm not as poor as I always say I am. I'm blessed.
8. My computer, as old as it is.. no battery and all, serves me well. Me and this buddy have been together for a while and it's still going strong. I complain about it all the time, not having a battery, not having a camera, hard drive not being big enough... but I have a computer, cant I just shut up and leave it at that?
9. I have a 2 bed room flat.. ( gives me an illusion of independence) I come and go as I please. I complain that it needs to be fixed, i need money to paint, do plumbing, blah blah but still. A roof over my head, a place of my own ( almost lol) and a sense of belonging.
10. And last but not the least, I'm grateful to be alive and well. I don't know the last time I was in a hospital bed, ill or even down with something beyond the common cold and every day " oh I'm weak"

So dear God, I'm truly sorry I've been ungrateful and whiny, a high maintainance kid. I promise to have an attitude of gratitude ( sounds corny i know) from now on.
Love always, your baby...
E