About 2 weeks ago, a friend of a friend asked me what it would take me to leave my marriage, I promptly responded.. " If he beats me... i will pack my load kia kia!!" The guy asked me if that was the only thing... i thought deeply.. and sensing it was a trick question I said.. well I dont really know what may come in future.
I've never really thought too deeply about the matter of domestic violence but that question really made me reach into the deep recesses of my mind to think about it.
When I was younger, I lived in a home where the 'daddy' used to hit the 'mommy'. I always felt it was alcohol induced and I felt those quarels were caused by religious differences and I made a mental note.. even then.. in my early teenage years not to marry someone who was wither given to alcohol or was of a different religion from me. I thought...ah these are things that cause problems later on in life o.. I will not do it oo! Some years later, I went to my hometown for a cousin's wedding and my cousins and I went out for drinks, one of my cousins got soo messed up that when he got home he took an axe to his mother... ahh me that I already had fear of alcohol in excess and what it does to otherwise sensible men. So for me it was a double NO NO!
But then I grew up, and i realise that alcohol is not the only inducement for a man to raise his hand and slap me.. some people are just flipping damn crazy!!! I mean... C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!
So i think when he slaps me, I'm packing my load and leaving right???? well not so fast lady.. where are you packing to? "Erm.. back home off course" " Dont I have family?, ee see me see trouble oh? is it untill he kills me before I leave.. ahhh abegi oo" It seems very easily said right? But I dont think it is. I think the hardest part is the feeling of failure, knowing your marriage failed. You could not make it work.
The truth is there are two sides to this thing. Maybe because of our culture and the irritating mix of religiousity therein! There is the school of thought that you have to stay there and make it work , you give it your whole.. after all your mother stayed with your father.. abi do you think this 40years of marriage have not been fraught with their own brand of mishaps.. no my child you will stay with your husband.. you will endure.. u hear? endure my child.. some will even go as far as to say.. ahh where do u want to go with this your little baby? dont u know how the world perceives single girls with babies?( ah please ooo let world come and be receiving head butt for me naa** eye roll***) i digress... so they tell you to suck it in and endure..
There is the school of thought that says.. divorce is a sin and as such.. ermm madam.. if u leave him you are sinning.. oh yess even if he is breaking ur head with a base ball bat and you wear sunglasses to cover your bruises at all hours of the day.. my dear you are still a sinner oh! Ehn because ermmm "divorce is a sin"
Then there is the school of thought that says.. girl.. up and leave the S.O.B oh! do u want him to kill you ( god bless that your friend that is giving you that advice.. if she is single... they will say.. ah see life.. because she no get man she wan make u carry ya load commot from ya husband house) Dont let him kill you before you leave oh.. if he kills you.. your body will not be cold before another woman will move and and please dont gimme that crap about you wanting to stay because of your child or children.. TAKE THEM WITH YOU!!!!
NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED. You deserve better than a man who will slap you around oo!
So this brings me back to the main issue... how do you tell that the man will not one day come and slap you? how do u know that this sweet loving boyfriend of yours, who is the perfect boo, whom you cant wait to spend your life with will not one day in a fit of anger throw a hot pressing iron smack in your face?
It scares me you know? 'Cos sometimes its easy to say " you would have been seeing the signs" yes i agree there are some guys that they start their own crase from when you are dating and if u see those signs and you still say ( and please dont give me that BS about you loving him) then maybe.. just maybe you deserve to be beaten but even then gaaaan!! I'm talking about those sweet men that take you on trips, talk you through issues you have at work.. rub your feet when you are tired, stand up to their mom's for you.. yes.. im talking about those men.. those ones that crase just worries them! how will you know and what do u do when he comes with sappy puppy eyes and says... "baby, I'm truly sorry. I love you my heart breaks at the thought that I.. I oladimeji.. could ever put a scar on this porcelain perfect face of yours"
What does one say to that??